From the moment girls are let into this world, they are entering a world of hate, love, beauty and everything surrounding it. Some girls grow up to hate themselves, some grow up to love themselves while others stay in an everlasting equilibrium between love and hate. I often think you have to be able to hate yourself a bit in order to fully love yourself but I digress.
Girlhood is an amalgamation of different experiences that with such, comes growth and with such growth, comes with change. Such growth brings forth change in different aspects of our existence, it brings change to the mind, to the soul and to the being. As a girl myself, such growth and change caused a diversion in thought for me, especially in aspects of my girlhood.
I began to understand the difficulties that come with being a girl. The expectations the world has for you on how to present yourself, what is seen as beautiful or feminine or enough. Being a girl, especially for me, is an array of whimsical experiences, sadness from a combination of being a girl, going through changes and being a human but it’s also everything in between.
Recalling memories from my younger years, I remember myself responding to questions about what I wanted to do when I grew up and every time, my answer would be the same. I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to get married at eighteen, marry a perfect man and have a perfect life and family. I was basing my entire identity upon a fairytale, something so unrealistic, especially in comparison to who I hope I’ll be in the future now.
Akin to most girls of such a young and tender age, I used to play with dolls and stuffed animals, pretending they were mine. It brought such joy in my heart as I saw other mothers do the same to their children. Carrying them with gentle hands, feeding them with love, tire and comfort in their being but also just being there for them. Mothers being a nestle for their kids brought so much joy in my heart and it still does.
Motherhood to me was an ever giving joy, it was an integral part of forming an identity as a woman. I realize now, I wanted to be a mother because I saw qualities in my own mother that I wasn’t aware were a separate entity to her identity as a mother. Those qualities were just her as a human being. She was everything everywhere all at once and while it was stressful for her, it was inspiring for me.
My mother’s love was gentle and sweet as it still is. It is like the feeling of the sun after a rainy day, like the sound of singing so angelic, an ubiquitous flower that brings joy to many. It was everything you can ever dream of. It’s being heard and loved. It’s being cherished no matter what. Oh how I wish everyone could feel such love.
Such qualities about my mother’s love made me want to become a mother like her, and love like she did.
The way I am now, sixteen and ever so brighter, motherhood to me is something I deem selfless. Motherhood impacts a woman’s life in such a deep way, as they have created a human, and in a way, they take away part of themselves to become a figure in another being’s life. It’s such a giving role, vital to the creation of who we are now and I find it so beautiful yet so draining.
Motherhood is a tender formality that I feel selfish being undecided about performing. For example, what if I do become a mother then I become my daughters biggest enemy like in the movie Ladybird. It’s a complicated feeling I often find myself trying to arrange but then I remember I still have time to create an understanding about what I want, time to experience life and create my proper identity. At the end of the day, the world will still spin and I’ll hopefully become a mother like my mother was, powerful with her selflessness but still shining with her being.
